she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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