When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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