I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
