I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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