I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
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I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
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I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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