Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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