I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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