It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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