I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
