He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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