I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
