new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
