Cold hands, warm shart.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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