My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
