last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
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But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
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i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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