He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
