I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
a search helicopter?!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
