when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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