Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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