why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
