Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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