Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
