Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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