I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
