totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
