Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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