I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.