Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
