I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
babies were throwing up all over the place
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
