Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
