you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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