Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
