Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
