i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
