next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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