I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
