I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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