Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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