Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
