when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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