My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
