My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
