Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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