There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
