On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
50% drunk capacity currently
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
