just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
