I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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