someone threw a dead crab at me
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
