I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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