Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
