I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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