took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I am one with the molecules
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
