Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I currently don't understand fingers.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
