Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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